"YOU SUCK! AND SO DOES YOUR F***ING RESTAURANT!!!"

Hey folks! Welcome back to the blog that your parents told you not to read! If you have read the title and are looking at a certain chef holding a sledge hammer, then you have an idea where this post is headed. That's right! It's time for a rant on one of the most unsavory kinds of show on television out there: The Failing Restaurant Show.

WARNING: LOTS of foul language and crude humor in this post. Leave now if you are unable to remove the stick from your ass.

I'm not sure where all these shows started from, but to my knowledge, Gordon Ramsay was the first to do this with his show Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. NOT the American version, but the BBC version. Back then, the show was pretty straight forward. Explain to them why their business was failing, show them the changes that need to be made and help them make those changes. Now, the whole process has turned into a freak show. The focus is now brow beating the owners until tears. What the fuck is that all about?!?!

If you have never watched one of these shows, let me give you an example of how it all breaks down:

The host walks up to the business: "This place looks like shit! Hopefully the food doesn't taste that way."

The host sits, reads the menu and samples a few dishes: "This menu is fucking disastrous! (spits food out) YUCK! This food tastes like monkey shit and elephant jizz!"

The host yells at owner and chef: "You(chef) cook worse than a fucking handicapped zombie! And you(owner) shouldn't be allowed to run a fucking lemonade stand! But, I would still like to see how you run a dinner service."

The host watches in horror at a bad service and yells at them at the end of service: "Fuck you both you incompetent twerps! You should be castrated for running such an awful restaurant! Wait! Why are you running away?!?! Stay and listen to me call you more names!"

The host goes in the kitchen and discovers rats or insects: "Dirty mother fuckers, too!"

End of Day 1

Next day, the host talks to owners again: "Maybe we got off on the wrong foot. I'm here to help you. Let me talk to your staff and see what they think."

The staff says: "Fuck those fucking fucks!" and "They'll fire me if I talk back to them" and "I've told them the food sucks, but they wouldn't listen. Cock-smokers!"

The owners hear this and cry. They promise changes will be made.

The host changes the menu from 100 items to 10 items. This time, the food is good. :"I've burned and pissed on the old menu. This one is fresh and not from the 1980's."

The staff and owners are overjoyed with the new food. Plus, they have magically redone the front of the restaurant overnight.

Now, they re-open the restaurant. They have a bump or two in service, but overall things are peachy now. The owners offer the host their daughters virginity to say thank you for helping them. All is right with the world.

End of show.

Every single one of these fucking shows is like this! At first, it was just Ramsay. Now there must be at least 6 or 7 shows out there running this same bull shit. Give me a fucking break!

The whole idea of these shows is to offer struggling restaurants a second chance. I can dig that. What I can't dig is how they go about it. Must you insult someone, loudly I might add, in front of their family and customers? Fuck that! Let some British bastard come into my restaurant talking that shit. I'd beat the fucking shit out of him! In the case of a woman host, I'd have my girlfriend do it.

If these people are calling these shows for help, must they go through the whole "break-them-down-and-build-them-up" process? Why not just get right down to the changing process?

I think one of the reasons I hate shows like these is that I know I wouldn't put up with that. You act aggressively with me, I'm going to give you the same treatment.

It also seems like this brand of shit has now moved in to bar rescues and bakery salvaging. This old cunt by the name of Kerry Vincent is getting her own show saving bakeries. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? This dried up, old jizz trap is part of the reason I stopped watching Food Network Challenges! Nothing was ever good enough for this fucking bitch! I hope one of these bakery owners takes a fucking rolling pin across her fucking head!

The Catch U Next Tuesday, Kerry Vincent, is in the center.

All I know is that we need to stop making these shows. There are too many out there as it is. What will be next? .......I got it! SEX SHOP REDEMPTION! It will be hosted by a male porn star who had to retire early because of AIDS. It might go something like this....

The host enters the store: "The floor is sticky. At least I know people have been here."

The host yells at owner: "You can't have the donkey porn next to the pregnant porn! What the fuck is wrong with you???"

The host talks to a few customers: "Don't film me!" and "My wife thinks I'm walking the dog right now. Little does she know I'm getting ready to shoot a load in that glory hole in the back!"

The host comes up with an idea to revive business: "We should film a gangbang here! Let me make some calls and we can do this by noon tomorrow!"

 The next day, the gangbang is shot in front of a crowd of horny and paroled men. Again, the owner offers up the virginity of his children to say thanks for bringing business back to his shop. The owners 2 boys are not pleased.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I should be happy these places are given a second chance. Maybe....aw fuck it. I can't stand this shit. Ramsay, Irvine, Ching he, and anyone else out there putting people through all that shit for ratings, GO FUCK YOURSELF! Seriously, I hope you get fist fucked by someone wearing brass knuckles.

Wow, I feel like I just exercised some serious demons with that. Like I said, maybe I'm wrong. If you think I am, let me know.

I'm out!

Homemade Twinkies!!!

Welcome back for another wonderful blog post from yours truly. What I have for you today really brought out the kid in me. It also solved a mystery that has plagued me and many other pastry chefs alike: How in the hell do you make a twinkie at home like the real thing???

In most cases, when I see a cooking tool like this which is, for lack of a better phrase, a one-trick pony, I tend to walk away. I might scoff at it, make a lewd comment or two, but never buy anything like this. All that changed when I laid my eyes upon this. It was like a switch had been turned on. All of a sudden I felt like a child seeing a new toy for the first time. The excitement almost felt foreign, yet somehow familiar.

Even with all those feelings, I still didn't want to spend the money on it. I started to think about bills and gas money. Luckily, my girlfriend was with me and could see how much I wanted it. So, being the awesome lady that she is, she bought it for me. Thanks baby!

When I took it out the box, I was in shock for a second at the simplicity of it. To put it bluntly, it's a fucking waffle iron! While that may not be a shocker to some of you, it is to anyone that has tried to bake their own twinkies. I have tried, and I never could get the shape or color the right way. Now that I see it's done in a waffle press, it makes total sense.

While there are a couple lights to indicate if the machine is ready to use or not, all you really need to do is put your hand over it while it is open and see if it's hot.

It does come with a recipe for the twinkie sponge, but I'm not going to list that. While the recipe is important, it isn't the focus of the post. The whole process in general is more important.

The cake recipe they give you is pretty standard. I personally feel it is a bit dense, but that is just my opinion.

Like any other waffle iron, you want to make sure you lube it really well. Keep your bottle of Pam close by.

Once the mix is ready and the iron is hot, it's time to pour the mix in there. You don't want to fill it past 3/4 of the way full. If you do, it's going to spill over. On the other hand, if you don't fill it enough, you won't get the flat bottom or pretty color brown that a twinkie always has. My advice is to just try 2 twinkies at first, being sure to make note of how much mix you filled it with.

Those little lights on the top of machine aren't going to tell you when they are done. I first checked them when I started to smell them. At this point, I used the obvious ways to check if they are done: I touched the top and pushed down a bit to check for firmness and I used a toothpick when I wasn't sure with the touch method.

When it was time to flip them out, I realized these little fuckers were hotter than I expected. As tough as my hands are, I still almost burned myself trying to get them out of the molds. My advice for a safe and clean unmolding is to use a heat proof spatula and lightly pull the cake away from sides. Once you have done all of them, close it up and flip the machine over. Then, open it up, and if you used enough lube at the beginning, they should all fall out. Remember, lube always comes in handy!

This was how many twinkies I got from one batch of mix. Not too bad at all. Unfortunately, I don't have any pictures beyond this point. What I do have for you are some pointers to keep in mind when making these.

First off, the texture of the sponge will be different. Don't think for a second they are giving you the official twinkie recipe. Plus, at home, you are not adding all the chemicals and preservatives that they do at the plant. I consider that part a plus.

The second point I want to make is that the filling HAS to be modified. As I mentioned above, the sponge does have a different texture than the store bought version. Simply, it's not as soft as the original version. Now, this isn't a bad thing. What it does mean is that simply putting whipped cream or any light, airy frosting doesn't work very well. With a denser sponge, you need a more sturdy filling to stand up to the sponge. I would suggest using a ganache or cake frosting that you can purchase.

The last point I want to make is that these twinkies tasted delicious! While I had issues with softness and filling, the overall taste was great. Everyone that I had try it said they loved it. A few people said it tasted better than the original. You can't knock results like that.

Overall, I walked away feeling really good about what I made and what I could make. After the first batch, I started to ask myself what could I do to improve this? What other recipes could I test with this? Do I need to change the procedure in making the cake mix? What else could I fill these things with? And so on, and so on.

And there you have it. A simple little twinkie-waffle iron that has tons of possibilities. Then again, that's the beauty of cooking. There are tons of possibilities in everything that we make. We just have to let our imagination be free and let that fear of making mistakes go.

I'm out.