Unique Eats & Sweets

I've said before and I'll say it again: I watch a lot of Food TV. If I have the TV on, it's probably on Food Network or The Cooking Channel. Maybe the Travel Channel from time to time, just to see Adam Richman gorge himself. Most of the time, I don't pay too much attention to the shows. I mostly listen out to hear something different than the normal "My spin on a classic" or the ever popular "Quick and Easy" recipe. But, there are some shows that even I can't tolerate to be on the screen for more than a minute or two. When they come on, I frantically search for the remote to change the channel before I have to hear any nonsense that will spew from the mouths from the jack-asses on these shows.

So, without further ado, lets talk about these two wastes of time called Unique Eats and Unique Sweets.

Before I start into these two pieces of shit, let me give you a little understanding about where I am coming from.

When I heard there was going to be a second cooking station, I was excited. I was hoping that this station would give food network some competition and make FN step their game up. Then I found out it was being run by FN. Bummer.

Not too long after The Cooking Channel started, Unique Eats came about. It's a show about some of the hip, trendy and rising stars of the culinary community. And because the culinary world can be just as trendy as the fashion world, I figured I would give the show a watch or two.

It didn't take me long to really start disliking this show. One of the main reasons at first was simple: Everything they did was in New York! The first two seasons, they should have just named the show "New York Eats".

Even after they decided to venture out of the Rotten Apple, the whole façade was really wearing thin. Each episode, you would have these uppity bloggers and hyped up chefs fawning over a dish like it was God's gift to humanity. Each person just going on and on about how they would kill their first born child to have one more bite of a dish! Enough already!!!

The tipping point for me came when they were at some bakery in Portland, OR(one of their favorite spots). All these talking monkeys were jizzing themselves over a maple donut. A FUCKING MAPLE DONUT!!! I was beside myself with anger over all the wasted time they spent on a GOD DAMN MAPLE FUCKING DONUT!! At this point, I knew I was done with this bullshit. Well, almost....

This little fuckwad pictured above is named Eddie Huang. He's got a restaurant in New York, and of course, thinks his shit don't stink because he's got a restaurant in New York. He's been under the wing of Anthony Bourdain for some time now, so he feels it necessary to be a total fucking asshole and dick head at every turn. He even took shots at Marcus Samuelsson, a well known accomplished chef who he couldn't hold a candle to. So I say...Fuck you Huang! You Mars Blackmon lookin' bitch ass motha fucka! Don't know who Mars Blackmon is? Take a look for yourself...

Where was I? Oh yeah, I was almost done with this horrible show when they decided to make a version of it all about pastries and desserts! Being a pastry chef, it was almost a duty to give it a watch.

Unfortunately, they didn't really change much with this version of the show. More chefs and bloggers going gaga over the simplest things. These two ladies above are on pretty much every episode. They aren't so bad, and I would bang the redhead like a guy fresh out of prison(like the movie American Me). But, there is something that really grinds my gears about this show: The representation of male pastry chefs.

Every single male pastry chef they have on this show is gay!!!! What the fuck?!?!?! Before you get your panties in a bunch, I'm not a homophobe. But DAMN! This guy pictured above is sweeter than any dessert they have ever shown! At least have one straight pastry chef on there! Working in desserts does not mean you like to bite pillows! Ugh!!

Well, that's it for this rant. What do you think? Have you seen the shows and enjoy them? If so, what do you like about them? I'm always happy to hear the other side of an argument.

I'm out. And I don't mean 'out the closet' either. :-)

A Little Trashy, A Little Classy

I'm glad you could make it back for another post. This time around, I'm going to have to ask you for a small favor: I need you to be open minded for a minute. What I'm about to pitch to you may sound crazy. It may sound a little scary to some of you, and a few of you might be downright appalled. All I want is for you to walk down this road with me a little bit before you make your final decision. Can you do that for a brotha?

So, why such a lead in like that? Because what you see pictured at the top of this page I can best describe by calling them hot dog fritters. Yes, those deep fried rounds are ground up hot dogs. And those yellow and red streaks on the plate are ketchup and mustard.

To some, that might not sound so bad. The thing is, when I first told a few friends and coworkers that I was going to make this for the blog, almost everyone looked at me like I had a 4th leg growing out of my forehead. Even my own mom had a look of puzzlement and disgust on her face when I told her about this. I almost considered just forgetting about it. Maybe it was just something better left as an idea.

Like I said, almost everyone thought I was crazy. One person thought that it could be something pretty cool. That one person is Aimee, my cool coworker who I always go to when it comes to my blog. She listened to the whole process and said "It sounds a little white-trash with the hot dogs, but the prep is classy. It's almost like pub food. Ya' know, a little trashy, a little classy."

After my conversation with Aimee, I knew I had to try it. Little did she know that she unknowingly named this post. Thanks a bunch Aimee!

This all came about because of two main reasons: I wanted to play around with the presentation of a hot dog and I was looking for something else to run through my meat grinder. Don't ask me why on the first part, it's probably because of drugs or something. But the meat grinder is simply fun! I could have easily just used a food processor to blend up the dogs, but I didn't want a paste. AND, it's not as fun to use as the meat grinder!

Enough foreplay! Let's get this freak show underway!

I started by grinding up two all beef hot dogs. I prefer Hebrew Nationals, but you can use any dog you like. Except the neighbors dog.

I know, it doesn't look too pretty there. Don't leave just yet! It's going to get better!

From here, I added relish, sautéed garlic, 1 egg yolk and some Italian bread crumbs.

After mixing until combined, I set the mix to the side and cubed up some smoked cheddar that I would put in the center of each fritter.

I used a small scoop to portion the fritters. When I had my portions set, I pushed the cheese in the center of each portion and rounded them out between my hands, making sure the cheese was completely covered.

At this point, I started to get my oil hot. I was aiming for 375 degrees Fahrenheit, but I guess 350 is just as good. I don't deep fry that much, so I'm not sure which temp is better.

Now it's time to bread these things. For this, I went with the standard flour-egg wash-panko bread crumb set up.

After the breading, it looked like this:

I don't have any pics of the actual deep frying, but it only took about 3 or 4 minutes at the most. Once they got a nice color to them, I took them out of the hot oil bath.

I know you are supposed to salt deep fried goodies right out of the oil, but hot dogs can be salty on their own. So, I put the tiniest bit of salt on the first batch. I left the second batch alone, just in case.

I set up my plate and took a bunch of pictures that I would end up deleting because most of them were shit. Here is the only other plate-up pic that made the cut:

Luckily, I had some friends over that I could use as test subjects. They knew I was cooking, but they didn't know what it was. Perfect!

I brought them out and everyone took a bite, and......

 

We all liked it! My friends Justin and Norma both said that they liked the stringy, cheesy center the best. But, I could see that they couldn't quite figure out what the rest of it was. When I told them that it was made using hot dogs, Justin yelled "I knew it tasted like hot dog! I didn't want to say it in case you used a good meat!" That made me laugh because if that was true that I used a good cut of beef, and someone said it tastes like hot dogs, I would be like "This isn't fucking hot dog! It's corned beef you dick!" But, we all know the not-so-pretty truth in this case.

Honestly, it was a tasty little treat. Nice crunch with the panko. The hot dog mix was kicked up with the relish and garlic mixed into it. But that cheesy center sealed the deal. Without that center, it wouldn't have been nearly as good.

The real kicker is that my mom tried it and said she liked it. I don't think she said that just to spare my feeling either!

There you have it. What do you think? Have I made a fun little appetizer, or have I committed a crime against the culinary world? Let me know what you think!

I'm out.

Build Your Own Burger

 That's right! It's B.Y.O.B time! But I'm not talking about just adding all kinds of bullshit toppings to an average patty. I'm talking about creating your own ground beef patty. All you need to accomplish this is a meat grinder, at least 2 different cuts of meat, and enough common sense to prevent you from sticking any body parts into the grinder. THAT'S IT!!!

I'm lucky enough to have a KitchenAid stand mixer. On a recent venture to Target, I saw that they had a sale on the meat grinder attachment. I had a few extra bucks on me from doing some "favors" for a few strangers, so I figured what the hell. My forearms weren't too sore to slice up some meat for the grinder.

Honestly, I don't know a whole lot about grinding meats. I feel I've learned enough from watching enough food tv to not screw this up too much. Here are a few keys that I stuck with when I got started:

1. There has to be fat. No fat = dry burger.
2. Grind the meat when it's cold.
3. Burger meat should be put through the grinder twice.

As far as I know, the chuck roast is the most common cut used for ground beef. With that said, there was no fucking way I was going to use it! So, I shopped around a bit decided on the two cuts pictured above.

To get started, I weighed out equal portions of each meat. Yes, I weigh things out. I'm a baker damn it! Once weighed, I cut the meat into roughly 1" cubes. Once all the meat was cut, I placed it in the freezer for about 30 minutes. I wasn't trying to freeze it, just cool it enough to firm it up a bit.

Once cooled, it was time to get down to business. I turned on the mixer, and to be honest, it's a cool sight to behold. You can look down the chamber of the grinder and see the spiral thing that forces the meat to the front of the grinder. You can see the small blade spinning right behind the opening grates. I started to feel like a child using a brand new toy for the first time.

As I started to grind the meat, a couple things became apparent. The first thing was the sound. As the meat started to go through, it sounded like something you would hear in a horror movie. It's a little hard to describe, but think about a scene where you see someone getting sliced up. Or better yet, that sound of zombies eating flesh. That what this sounds like!

The second thing that came to light is that this can be a messy job. I was standing directly in front of the grinder as I was doing this. I looked down and saw spatters of blood and small bits of beef on my shirt. Luckily I was wearing a shirt only suited for the house, so I wasn't mad.

When I was done grinding, I also noticed spatter on the surrounding counter area as well. So be prepared to do a fair amount of cleaning.

Here is what the meat looked like when finished:

I covered the meat and placed it in the fridge. Now, it was time for the cleaning.

For the longest time, I had heard that cleaning meat grinders could be a real bitch to do. I also heard that if you didn't clean them properly, you could get really sick and damn near kill someone next grind. I think that is probably the reason I waited so long to get one.

When I started to take the grinder apart, this is what I saw:

I've used the grinder a few times since this, and haven't seen it that bad since. I'm guessing I didn't cool down the beef as much as I should have that first go.

I used a chopstick to pick out that stuff way in the back and to get out the bits stuck in the holes in the exit part of the grinder.

Once all the last bits were removed, I washed it as well as I could by hand. Then, I placed all the parts in soapy water and let it sit there for about 15 minutes. You have to be careful with this stuff, ya know?

With the cleaning done, it was time to cook. I scaled my patties to 6 or 7 ounces. I can't quite remember. I seasoned them with kosher salt and black pepper. No fancy rubs here, I want to let the meat speak for itself.

When it is was done, this is what I was looking at:

The opening picture was the final shot. I really wanted to keep it simple. No ketchup or mustard, no cheese, and just a little mayo. The meat was the star, and let me tell you, it shined as bright as ever!

The flavor of this burger was wonderful! It was like taking a car and adding a couple hundred more horse power to it. Each bite I wanted to slowly savor, all the while thinking "I have to do this again!".

By the time I finished the burger, I felt like I had eaten my last meal before my execution. I was ready to ride the lighting!

As soon as I came down from my burger high, I started thinking about what combinations of meat I could use. Then I remembered a restaurant I saw that has a burger that's half beef/half bacon. I still had rib eye and bottom round leftover, and there was bacon in the fridge. I had to try it.

I ended up using about 4 ounces of rib eye, 1 ounce of bottom round and 4 ounces of bacon.

After the grind, it looked like this:

Yeah, there's a lot of fat in this!

The restaurant I saw make this is a place called Slater's 50/50. When they were preparing the burger, they mentioned that because of the pork, you have to cook the burger all the way through. It makes sense to me, so that's what I did.

I prepped my burger the same way as the first, except I didn't add any salt on top. Just pepper. I figured the bacon would bring enough salt to the mix.

When I took a bite, I thought I was going to shoot a load in my pants. The flavor was...incredible. It was intense, rich, juicy, and....out of this fucking world! I might have even shed a tear with this one. It was that good! Sure, my heart was hurting a little and my left arm went numb for a minute, but it was so worth it! This is where food stops being a meal and becomes an experience.

Yeah, this was a long one, but oh so worth it. If you have ever thought about getting a grinder, look into it again. I know some of them can get pricey, so work within your budget. But, if you do choose to get one, I can assure you that you are going to enjoy it.

I'm out.