Personally, I totally dig coffee shops. Whether it be a small, mom & pop shop or the Starbucks located across the street from it trying to put the mom & pop shop out of business. Hey, it's a dog-eat-dog world out there. In any case, one of the main reasons I like them so much is that you get to see so many sections of society pass through the doors. Nerds, jocks, doctors, bums and anyone else you can think of has, or will, make their way to the coffee shop.
I was originally planning to do a documentary-like post about your average coffee shop patron, but a blogger friend of mine in the UK said he was doing something similar about his trips to cafe's and bars in the USA. I asked him if he would share a little bit of his work on my blog, and he was more than happy to oblige.
So, from here on out, all the writing is from my buddy Richard. He asked me to find the pictures, but the writing is all his, aside from an editors note or two from me. To enjoy this post the best, read this out loud with a swanky British accent!
Hello there readers of the blog Food And Such Things. My name is Sir Richard Stroker, and my good friend from across the pond has been so kind as to allow me to share some of my findings from my recent tour or cafe's and pubs across the United States. While my experiences were many, I am going to just highlight some of the more interesting characters that I had the opportunity to come across.
(Editors note: I didn't know he was knighted!)
(*Editors Note: I would sooo bang her!)
The first group to address would have to be the man or woman serving the coffee: The Barista
In most of my experiences, the barista was usually kind, courteous, and had the ability to withstand the rudest of blokes getting in their face demanding soy in their drink!
But, in some cases, the barista would lack any shred of humility. They would take on an air or arrogance. Parading behind the counter, giggling and joking with coworkers, all the while showing no care to the customer. There were some moments of disbelief that I almost lost my monocle!
(Editors Note: My man rocks a monocle?!?! That's gangster.)
Alas, not all the blame can be laid upon the barista. There is a sect of Yanks that have branded themselves outcasts, yet usually come from well-to-do families. These cretins are most commonly referred to as Hipsters.
These "Hipsters" are and odd bunch. Many of them try so hard to set themselves apart with a certain look that I find...amusing. They seem to want to look like they pulled their clothes from the rubbish bin, yet are willing to spend vast amounts to do so. Why is this?
I am all for rebelling an unjust cause, but the hipsters don't seem to rebelling against anything other than a sunny day.
My next subject is something that honestly set my weary old heart ablaze. The Coffee Shop Date!
With the invention of internet dating, it was only a matter of seconds before the internet creep would make his presence known. Because of this, women had to find ways to meet potential suitors in a safe, public environment. What better way to do so than over a cup of Earl Grey.
Watching some of these young couples had me reminiscing about my younger years. As young lad, whenever I fancied a shag, I would just make my way to the port. Those boys in the Royal Navy knew how to have a good time!
(Editors Note: What the Fuck??? Why would he put that in there!?!?!)
While my more naughty days have passed, it's time to finish the article. I've saved the worst for last. This group of vile, bottom feeding, sheep shagging wankers disgust me the most. I call them "Laptop Snobs"
These blokes seem to feel that bringing their laptop to a coffee shop somehow makes them a bit more important than the rest of the patrons. They must make a grand entrance to ensure everyone sees them setting up their table and plugging in each technological gadget they have brought with them.
Once plugged in, they are almost dead to the world around them. They cannot hear anything, due to the headphones and music. They dare not look away from the monitor, in fear of missing that crucial update on one of the many social media websites they are addicted to. I say, a man could be running around the shop with his arse on fire, yelling as loud as he can, and these tossers with their laptops would never know it was happening. Unless it interfered with their Wi-Fi connection, that is.
I could taunt these snobs relentlessly, but I don't feel like I need to give them anymore of my energy.
I hope you enjoyed this piece as much as I enjoyed writing it! I would like to thank my new best mate Jason for this chance to share my work. Now, it's off to Ramsbottom Lane to meet up with a dear friend for tea and crumpets.
Cheerio!
That was....a very interesting....clever piece. Especially the part about him cruising the port! Damn, Richard and I need to have a long talk.
So, did you like the piece? Want to see more works from this guy? Let me know!
Food Haiku
Roasting takes patience
All the senses should be used
Timing is crucial
