If you watch as much Food Network as I do, one thing becomes very clear: Most of the shows suck. For one reason or another, a lot of the shows have some pretty bad qualities to them. Lame chefs, unoriginal setup, bad recipes, or insane, unrealistic amounts of smiling and laughing. While some people may not see anything wrong with this, I do. DAMMIT! It's time for some fresh ideas. So hear me out for a minute, and later, let me know if you would watch any of these show ideas.
I don't have any graphics for these shows, so please bear with me and let your imagination take over.
Eat It!!! With Mistress Katrina
Besides a great name, this show is gonna bring a little S&M to the cooking world. It would be hosted by the leather-clad dominatrix Katrina. She would be joined in the kitchen/dungeon by an assistant, who would be her slave and the actual person doing all the cooking. This "assistant" would be in a gimp outfit, like old boy from the movie Pulp Fiction.
The person in the gimp outfit could be a different guest chef every episode. With all the leather, it could be anyone from your average line cook to Thomas Keller. To be honest, I think they would have trouble selling Keller on this idea.
The show would keep to your basic premise of 3 plates being made per episode. Mistress Katrina would provide commentary while our friend the gimp would be doing the dirty work.
During the show, Katrina would yell at her assistant to "Dice that onion slave!" and beat him with a horse whip. Of course, his only response would be "Yes Mistress!".
There is so much fun to be had with this show! But, it's time to move on to the next proposal.
LOCAL GRUB
I don't have a chef in mind for this one, but whoever it is will be taking the phrase "eating locally" to the next level.
The setting would be in the persons home kitchen. He or she would make sure that all foods cooked in that kitchen would come from his or hers community. Fruits, vegetables and proteins.
This chef would cruise local farmers markets for fruits and veggies. For proteins...the chef is cruising your back yard. That's right, this chef is cooking up any local critter that is available in the community! I don't know about you, but I don't see any cows outside my window.
Cats, dogs, rabbits, squirrels. It's all good! And when the host was in the mood for something a little more exotic, you would see a news clipping in the show about animals being stolen from the local petting zoo.
Yeah, this one would be for the more adventurous viewer. On to the next idea.
The Mountain Man
This one is actually a bit like the previous pitch. Locally grown and caught foods. The big difference here is the host would be a big, corn-fed white man that looks like the Brawny guy. The whole thing would be set in a cabin littered with the heads of his kills on the walls. We are talking a true mountain man.
With this show, he would actually "dispatch" the animals himself! That's right, we would be able to see him put all those animals down. No cameras panning away when he does the deed.
Like the name would imply, he is a mountain man. A Man's man. All things manly would be on this show. Beer, sports, boobs and hunting. The food would be straight forward and a live kill every episode.
Can you beat that? We'll see....
Dining On The Rails
For my last pitch, we are gonna ride the rails and see some of America that lots of people don't get to see. This would almost be a travel show with all the great scenic shots.
As for the chefs, it would change daily. By chefs, I mean the hobos and tramps that are sneaking their way into boxcars. Oh, did you think I was talking about Amtrak or something like that??? HA! You really don't know me yet!
Every week we would have a different hobo on there showing us how to cook whatever the hell he could get his hands on. Shit, he might not even have to cook anything at all. He could just eat his food and story-tell for the half hour. Some stories would be funny, some would be sad.
I can easily see this winning some Emmy awards.
That's all I got for now. Did you like the ideas? Did you hate them? Let me know your thoughts! Pitch some ideas of your own so we can get some better programming!
Take Care,
J. Miller
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